This is a really insightful take on the complexities of cheating. It’s true—infidelity isn’t a one-size-fits-all issue. Sometimes it’s about opportunity, sometimes unmet emotional needs, sometimes deeper personal issues, and sometimes… just poor choices without clear reasons.
Your experience really highlights how painful and confusing it can be, especially when the cheater tries to gaslight or deflect blame. That dismissive “it’s just a friend” line, followed by turning the accusation back on you, is sadly all too common.
I’m curious—what are those seven common excuses that experts say cheaters often use when caught? It sounds like understanding those could help people recognize patterns or avoid falling into those traps in their own relationships.
1. “I Didn’t Do It. It Wasn’t Me.”
The simplest and most common excuse? Flat-out denial. April Masini, a New York-based relationship and etiquette expert from Relationship Advice Forum, tells Bustle, “Most cheaters immediately deny wrongdoing. It’s the easiest excuse to utter quickly.” For victims not yet ready to face the truth, this denial can provide temporary relief, which often leads them to back off, making denial a convenient tool for cheaters who want to avoid conflict.
2. “You’re Out of Your Mind!
When my husband accused me of being “out of my mind” for suspecting him, I lost it—not just because I knew I was right, but because gaslighting is a form of abuse. It’s designed to make you question your own sanity. Masini explains, “Cheaters who try to convince accusers they’re ‘out of their mind’ don’t just deny wrongdoing; they try to twist the truth so the accuser seems irrational or unstable.” This tactic aims to make you doubt your instincts and second-guess your feelings.
3. “We’re Just Good Friends.”
Another excuse my husband used to justify spending time with a woman 28 years younger than him while I was out of town was, “We’re just good friends.” But if I, who was 13 years younger than him, sometimes struggled to connect, how could he be relating to someone nearly three decades younger and just two years older than his daughter? This was a question I screamed silently for months.
Masini notes, “Cheaters involved in long-term relationships with their betraying partners—whether they’re colleagues, spouses of friends, or neighbors—often try to downplay the affair as ‘just friends.’ They’ll insist late-night calls are innocent, and that dinners or hotel stays were purely platonic, hoping the accuser misinterprets the situation.”
4. “It Just Happened Once.”
While love and sex can exist independently, does “just sex” or “only once” make cheating acceptable? That really depends on your relationship, your tolerance level, and your capacity to forgive.
Masini explains, “Cheaters caught red-handed who can’t deny or downplay the affair often admit to a single indiscretion but lie about how often or when it happened.” This excuse is common among those who must admit to cheating but want to minimize the extent of their betrayal.
Chronic cheaters sometimes promise to end their affairs or claim they already have, but often don’t follow through. Masini says, “They may lie intentionally or genuinely intend to stop but give in to temptation again. Either way, the excuse ‘It’s over’ tends to lose credibility, especially if repeated.”
This warning about chronic cheating is important. A 2017 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that people who cheated in their first relationship are three times more likely to cheat again. If you hear “it’s over” but doubt your partner’s sincerity and still want to save the relationship, seeking therapy might be a wise step.
6. “It Didn’t Mean Anything.
This is another way of separating sex from emotional commitment. While sex may be “just sex” physically, it doesn’t erase the deception and betrayal involved.
Masini notes, “Cheaters who adopt a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ mindset often say, ‘It didn’t mean anything.’ They believe sex is less important than commitment, so having sex outside the relationship isn’t a big deal to them.”
7. “I Need Help!”
Finally, some cheaters try to cast themselves as victims to gain sympathy. They may promise to seek sex addiction therapy, a scenario often played out in celebrity relationships. However, cheating doesn’t automatically mean someone is a sex addict. Claiming addiction to excuse a lack of self-control can be disrespectful to those who genuinely struggle with it.
Masini explains, “Cheaters who say, ‘I need help!’ try to shift empathy toward themselves to avoid responsibility. They often compare their behavior to smokers or alcoholics who can’t quit, implying they cheat because they have no choice.”
While these are common excuses cheaters use when caught, Masini reminds us that “cheating is fluid.” Some see early dating exploration or long-distance interactions without formal commitment as cheating; others do not. That’s why it’s crucial to set clear boundaries and openly communicate your expectations with your partner
Remember: If your partner cheats on you, it’s not your fault. Though infidelity is complex and can happen for many reasons, the best defense is honest conversations about your relationship status, what you both expect, and what you consider cheating.
