You’ve probably heard the saying, “love is blind.” And honestly? Sometimes it really is. Romance can make it tough to notice the warning signs that you’re in a bad relationship. No couple is perfect, but knowing what behaviours are major red flags can help you find a healthy, fulfilling partnership—whether that’s with your current partner or not. Deal-breakers can range from feeling like you’re not a priority, to feeling unlike yourself around your partner, all the way up to physical, emotional, psychological, or intimate abuse. When it comes to abuse, it’s crucial to seek help from those you trust, says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D. “If there’s anyone you can reach out to, let them know you want support,” she tells Bustle. “You are not a burden.” If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org. That said, unhealthy relationships aren’t always obvious abuse. Sometimes the toxic patterns are subtle or sneaky, and it’s hard to know when things have crossed the line beyond typical couple conflicts. But no matter the situation, there are plenty of relationship issues you simply shouldn’t tolerate. Below, experts explain 20 things you should never put up with in your relationship.
Major Relationship Deal-Breakers
1. Your Partner Exhibits Controlling Behavior Maybe your partner tries to control what you do and when you do it. Or maybe they expect you to adopt their beliefs and emotions without question. These controlling behaviors aren’t okay, says O’Reilly. “They want you to feel what they feel and react the way they expect,” she explains. “That person could be harmful or toxic to your lifestyle or safety.” Of course, some control is normal when lives intertwine—for example, co-parenting arrangements. But if your partner constantly wants to know where you are and who you’re with for no good reason, that’s a huge red flag.
2. Your Partner Gaslights You Today, gaslighting means your partner tries to convince you that your feelings or perceptions are wrong or irrational. Licensed counselor Nawal Alomari, LCPC, says gaslighting is common in controlling partners. They might dismiss your concerns as “ridiculous” or tell you to “lighten up.” When you share your feelings and they brush you off, it’s a toxic pattern, says O’Reilly. If your partner makes you question your sanity, it’s time to seriously reconsider the relationship.
3. Your Partner Abuses You Emotionally or Verbally Controlling behavior can escalate into emotional or verbal abuse. Your partner might insult you, belittle you in front of others, or dismiss your feelings. O’Reilly stresses that none of this is acceptable. If this sounds familiar, seek therapy or counseling to help you cope and find a safe way out.
4. Your Partner Abuses You Physically Physical abuse is an immediate deal-breaker. If your partner hits, pushes, or hurts you in any way, O’Reilly urges you to get help right away. Reach out to trusted people or professionals who can assist you in leaving safely.
5. Your Partner Makes You Feel Bad When You Don’t Want to Be Intimate The idea that non-consensual intimate acts between partners aren’t serious has led to many survivors struggling to recognize or report intimate abuse in their relationships. It’s important to know that consent is ongoing—agreeing once doesn’t mean you owe physical connection forever. If your partner pressures you into unwanted intimacy by saying it’s your “duty” or that you “owe” them, the relationship is abusive and unsafe. If you or someone you know is a survivor, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org.
6. You Don’t Feel Good About Yourself Around Your Partner Your partner should bring out the best in you, says O’Reilly. If you feel like the worst version of yourself, it’s a serious warning sign. If they make you doubt your worth or confidence, they aren’t respecting you. A good test? If your friends and family are worried about your partner’s behavior, that’s a strong indicator this relationship isn’t healthy.
7. Your Partner Isolates You If your partner tries to control who you see or cuts you off from friends and hobbies, watch out. Independence is essential in any healthy relationship, says O’Reilly. Isolation is a power play that hurts your happiness and well-being. Alomari adds that partners who isolate often do so because they’re insecure or jealous, or because they don’t want you to hear what others think about the relationship. But your relationships and lifestyle matter—and if your partner tries to take those away, they’re not the one for you.
8. Your Partner Insists That You Change If your partner pressures you to give up hobbies, change parts of your personality, or abandon important aspects of your life, that’s a no-go. “If they make you feel like you have to give up what makes you you, that’s a hard stop,” she tells Bustle. “Someone who truly loves you will support your relationships and interests.”
9. You Have Physical Reactions to Your Partner’s Behavior Ever notice that you tense up or feel uneasy when your partner walks into the room? That’s a big warning sign. O’Reilly explains, “The body instinctively responds to distress.” If your body is reacting with stress or anxiety around your partner, it means their behavior isn’t making you feel safe or comfortable.
10. Your Partner Invalidates Your Experiences It’s not okay if your partner dismisses or belittles important parts of your history or feelings. For example, if you share how harassment affects you and your partner brushes it off as “no big deal” or calls it a “compliment,” that’s dismissive and harmful. A partner who constantly mocks you for being “too sensitive” or “not open enough” isn’t respecting you.
11. Your Partner Judges You Feeling judged by your partner is a clear sign they’re not treating you with the kindness and respect you deserve. If your partner constantly criticizes your personality, appearance, or choices—and especially if they body shame you—that’s manipulative and cruel.
12. Your Partner Ignores Your Intimate Needs & Limits If your partner pressures you into physical connection or ignores your boundaries, that’s a huge problem, O’Reilly warns. It’s normal for couples to have different intimate needs or desires, but pushing past your consent isn’t okay. “Intimate compatibility isn’t about being the same—it’s about effort,” she told Bustle.
13. Your Partner Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries If you’ve communicated your limits and your partner still crosses them—whether by joking about things that upset you or sharing your personal information without permission—that’s toxic behavior and one you definitely shouldn’t tolerate.
14. Your Partner Doesn’t Publicly Acknowledge Your Relationship If your partner won’t introduce you as their significant other, seems embarrassed by you, or treats you like a placeholder while keeping other options open, that’s a huge red flag.
15. Your Partner Always Accuses You of Infidelity Constant accusations of infidelity, especially without any basis, point to deeper issues. If they act out of insecurity and try to shame or isolate you, that’s toxic. “Projection is a very low-level coping skill,” explains Dr. Paul DePompo, Psy.D. “Often, people who have engaged in infidelity or thought about it project those feelings onto their partners.”
16. Your Partner Talks Over You and Interrupts If your partner frequently interrupts or talks over you, it’s disrespectful and can become belittling. Healthy communication means being heard.
17. Your Partner Shames Your Intimate History If your partner shames you for your intimate history, calls you derogatory names, or criticizes your clothing choices, that’s control disguised as judgment. This behavior can deeply harm someone’s sense of self, turning what should be positive and empowering into guilt and shame.
18. Your Partner Belittles Your Career Aspirations If your partner mocks your work or pressures you to pass up opportunities, they are undermining your ambitions. You deserve a partner who supports your goals and growth.
19. Your Partner Never Takes Responsibility When your partner refuses to own their mistakes or apologize, that’s a major problem. “A toxic relationship involves someone who can’t accept responsibility at all,” explains Dr. Danielle Forshee. Without accountability, problems will persist.
20. Your Partner Knows They’re Hurting You and Does Nothing A caring partner will recognize when they hurt you, apologize sincerely, and work to change. Licensed psychotherapist Dr. Dori Gatter says, “The biggest sign of a toxic relationship is no remorse for hurting you—and a close second is remorse without change.” If your partner hurts you repeatedly and does nothing about it, that’s a deal-breaker.
