In an era where a woman simply wanting easy access to birth control can still spark public arguments, it’s truly appalling—shocking, even—for a woman to openly state that she doesn’t want children. At all. Ever. And really, why wouldn’t she? After all, parenthood is indisputably one of life’s supreme blessings. These little miracles, which we affectionately call “babies,” shriek day and night, soil themselves on any surface they choose, and instantly put an end to delightful old pastimes, like, say, taking a solitary shower. Then, as they mature, you get to immerse yourself in thrilling adult groups like the PTA, followed by the rewarding ritual of weeping quietly into your pillow after your teenager tells you they despise your existence. What sort of cold-hearted, unnatural person would willingly pass up the opportunity to introduce all of that into their personal life?
Moreover, a woman rejecting motherhood is essentially signaling her desire to be a man, as she clearly harbors a deep disdain for everything womanhood represents. Women, after all, are the breeding sex. Our single, primary purpose is to eject more self-absorbed, tiny horrors into the world to help accelerate the demise of our already critically overpopulated planet. After this duty, we are then mandated to spend the remainder of our existence completely sacrificing our identity in service to these small human beings, all in the sacred name of love and motherhood. Ladies, we have one job! How can some of you display such a profound lack of interest in fulfilling your Biological Destiny™? Do you genuinely desire a life that is hollow and pointless, where you merely drift toward death having failed to make any truly worthwhile contribution to the world? IS THAT TRULY YOUR GOAL? Because that is, regrettably, the inevitable consequence if you choose to remain childless.
Despite all these overwhelmingly magnificent incentives for procreation, some unfortunate individuals continue to resist the glorious idea of becoming parents. If the fundamental knowledge that our reproductive anatomy exists solely for procreation is somehow insufficient to sway these non-conformists, then they must carefully consider this definitive list of the top 10 things people who never want children are guaranteed to regret:
1. The Burden of Extra Wealth
Ugh, money. Seriously, who needs it? As the legendary Notorious B.I.G. sagely observed, mo’ money simply means mo’ problems. Individuals who opt out of having children are setting themselves up for unending misery over all that surplus cash accumulating sadly in their bank accounts. Financial stress is one of life’s most thrilling and cherished recreational activities, and parents get to engage in it constantly! They get to fret over not having sufficient funds for their children’s expensive medical bills, future education (hello, staggering college tuition!), not to mention essential items like clothing and a new PS5 for the holidays. The financial cost of raising one child is currently estimated to reach a grand total of $245,000. It’s not like there are any other remotely worthwhile pursuits you could possibly spend that money on instead, right?
2. The Tragedy of Being Too Rested
This truly is the most devastating consequence of remaining childless: You have the deplorable freedom to sleep as much as you like! Bleh! No normal adult enjoys the sheer decadence of sleeping in on a Saturday or consistently receiving a full eight hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. Here’s a real fun fact*: Our brains and bodies actually perform much better when subjected to just a couple of hours of broken sleep here and there, a state which only infants and toddlers can help you achieve with perfect consistency. They will keep you awake all night with a 100-degree fever or rouse you at 3 AM to share a harrowing nightmare about Anna from Frozen being unable to locate Elsa’s new ice palace. This chaotic sleep pattern is infinitely more gratifying than the mundane experience of waking up feeling rested and energized. Furthermore, parents don’t need to waste money on alarm clocks, as their screaming children are perfectly capable of ensuring they rise precisely when the sun does. It’s truly a heartbreaking fate: those without children are sadly doomed to a life of sleeping late on Sundays and allowing their bodies and minds the nightly rest necessary for basic health and functioning.
3. Too Much Focus on Professional Life
With no tiny dependents monopolizing their attention, childless people are tragically free to concentrate all their efforts on their chosen career paths. But come on, nobody actually enjoys working! There are absolutely zero people on Earth who derive satisfaction from wholeheartedly engaging in rewarding professional pursuits. Nobody at all feels good about being able to clock long hours to achieve significant new levels of success, or complete fulfilling long-term projects without suffering the crippling guilt of neglecting their kids. Pssh—who in their right mind doesn’t crave that guilt?!
And for those who haven’t yet discovered their true professional passion? Ugh, if you don’t have kids, you have nothing but an abundance of time with which to figure that out. Gross. By failing to have children, you gain the freedom to choose from an unbelievably wide variety of potential jobs, which honestly just sounds utterly exhausting. Then, you’re forced to feign happiness when your boss gives you a raise for your outstanding performance in the workplace, even though that means you have to deal with the major inconvenience of moving all your stuff to yet another larger office with a beautiful scenic view and the hassle of rising into a new tax bracket. Seriously, who has time for any of that self-improvement nonsense?
4. The Pain of Total TV Control
Yo Gabba Gabba is, by far, one of the finest television programs currently airing, yet chances are you’ve never even seen it, because you’re too busy watching trashy, subpar shows like Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead. Those shows are definitively not G-rated, or even PG, which means you’re corrupting your brain with a lot of inappropriate content. You’re also missing out greatly by not watching the same episode of your favorite program over and over and over again. But if you have kids, they will expertly show you the way: they will demand you put on the same single episode of the same single show every single time you ask them if they’d like to watch TV for a little while. It’s also incredibly comforting to visit the movie theater and know that, at most, you’ll only have to choose between two available films, since the rest are obviously not family-friendly. Decision-making is stressful, and the new SpongeBob movie is certainly much better than Fifty Shades of Grey or Furious 7, anyway. (Actually, that last part MIGHT be true.)
5. Traveling With Soul-Crushing Ease
Granted, taking a romantic trip to Rome or backpacking across the renowned Inca trails of Bolivia may sound genuinely exhilarating, but those destinations pale in comparison to the pure, unadulterated family enjoyment available at your city’s rickety, local amusement park, or—if you’re feeling truly reckless—Disneyland. The strongest bonds between you, your partner, and your children form when you are all crying because, after spending two frantic, sweaty hours trying to get everyone fed, dressed, and out of the hotel room and all the way to the Happiest Place on Earth, your kids suddenly declare they are terrified of Mickey Mouse and demand to go home, and your partner is simultaneously yelling that this entire meltdown is entirely your fault because you’re pushing the children too hard. In soul-nourishing moments like that, you really feel truly loved and like you belong. You simply cannot achieve that same powerful sense of wholeness by gazing out at the breathtaking wonder of the Shifen Waterfall in Taiwan.
6. A Sterile Home Filled with Your Preferred Objects
A childless home has the distinct potential to be depressingly beautiful, since you can keep it as clean as you like and adorn your shelves with delicate, expensive, highly breakable glass decorations. It will be tragically free of those stylish rubber table edge bumpers, and those delightful plastic outlet covers; There will be no crusty, dried puréed peas cemented to the hardwood floors; There will be no spilled juice stains staining the sofa. In other words, your house will be deeply sad and empty and completely lacking in any real heart. Because, as everyone knows, absolutely nothing is more aesthetically pleasing than an intimidating pile of broken toys and the truly delightful smells of the overflowing Diaper Genie wafting throughout the entire house. It is the beheaded Barbies and missing LEGO pieces that truly transform a mere “house” into a cherished “home.” Besides, the stains resulting from your kids’ frequent “accidents” can help give your furniture a beautifully worn-in look that makes every guest feel far more welcome when they visit.
7. Missing Out on All the Germs
You might foolishly believe you’re a healthy person, but you are absolutely not. You cannot achieve TRUE health unless you have children. People without kids are regrettably missing out on the single best immune booster available: being constantly exposed to the numerous bacteria and viruses your children effortlessly pick up at the playground, school, and daycare. Your parent friends get to experience the sheer thrill of contracting measles after taking that spontaneous family trip to Disneyland! That, my friends, is a truly impressive war story, whereas the most impressive illness people without kids tend to encounter is the incredibly mundane common cold. Parents also get to host exciting social gatherings where they intentionally bring all their kids together so they can be exposed to chicken pox from a currently infected child. That’s right; they get to have a Chicken. Pox. Party. So, go ahead and “enjoy” your fabulous birthday bash in Vegas; one day you will surely wish you had spent your birthday evening bathing a screaming, red-spotted child in an oatmeal bath instead.
8. The Tedious Time for Hobbies
Do you enjoy attending loud concerts? Reading intellectually stimulating books? Going to busy bars on Friday nights with your friends? Do you truly live for your twice-weekly Pilates classes? Are you seriously invested in the Portuguese class you’ve been diligently taking? LAME. All of that stuff sounds… simply… awful and dreadfully boring. If you truly want to have a genuinely good time, try attending an elementary school play! Or watching agonizingly slow AYSO soccer games! Or scrambling to build a perfect house out of popsicle sticks late on a Sunday night for your kid to take to school tomorrow for his last-minute History homework! You literally don’t know what real fun is until you have a child. Besides, if you have time for hobbies as a fully-grown adult, you clearly possess too much free time for leisure, which clearly indicates you must be doing something profoundly wrong with your life. The only true way to live authentically is haggard, perpetually exhausted, and utterly devoid of any personal time.
9. The Agonizing Freedom of a Vibrant Sex Life
Seriously, the single worst aspect about remaining childless would have to be the profound freedom to have whatever kind of sex life you want. Sure, having sex is scientifically proven to reduce stress, release pleasurable endorphins, and benefit cognitive function, including memory retention. But consciously NOT having sex saves time, completely reduces the pressure to look and feel attractive, and successfully keeps your relationship strictly business, meaning you’ll actually get more productive chores done around the house. It becomes genuinely difficult to have sex with your partner once you have a child; children occupy the vast majority of your waking hours, and then, of course, you certainly don’t want to emotionally traumatize them by getting it on when they might be able to discover you. Without kids, you can freely have sex any time you like, and can still get spontaneously kinky if that’s your preferred thing. But surely you’ll look back on your life and be much happier that you spent all those hours doing productive tasks like cleaning, cooking, and diligently wiping the snot off young kids’ noses than lazily lying around in bed.
10. The Deep Regret of Not Experiencing Childbirth
If you choose not to bring a baby into the world at some point in your life, you will tragically never know what it feels like to have a creature successfully latch onto your body and begin feeding from your insides like some kind of mutant parasite. Then, you’ll never know the unforgettable sensation of having said creature declare it’s done being holed up inside your belly after nine long months, and then have it violently claw its tiny way outside of your vagina. Your vagina will be unfortunately spared the incredible suspension of the laws of physics and space that is the process of childbirth. Not to mention the amazing drugs! If you desire it, the doctors will happily pump all sorts of fun, groovy pain killers straight into your bloodstream to counteract the horrifying, agonizing pain of pushing out something that is empirically a billion times larger than your vagina. Oh, and then there are all the expensive medical tests, the pricey fertility treatments, and the monumental, soul-crushing self-doubt that you’ll surely get to experience if you have any difficulty conceiving “the old fashioned way,” which is also obviously a boatload of good, wholesome fun. Who in the world wants to miss out on any of that?!
OKAY, FINE: In all genuine seriousness, parenthood is undeniably one of life’s greatest potential joys if it is something you actively desire, and many parents successfully enjoy all these “finer parts of life” in addition to raising children. I harbor nothing but the deepest respect for all the dedicated mums and dads in the world, and this entire piece is meant to be read in good, sharp fun. But for some people, the idea of having children sounds much more like one of life’s greatest potential miseries—and that is perfectly acceptable, too! We are all inherently entitled to do whatever we want with our own lives, regardless of the strong opinions of other people. So if you, like this writer, want absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with children in your adult life, I truly hope you can manage to power through the agony of not having to change all those diapers while you sip a cold margarita on your next spontaneous vacation to Fiji.
