When you’re on a first date, you’re naturally focused on spotting someone’s most appealing qualities, which can make it easy to overlook their less attractive traits—unless they’re glaring red flags. This isn’t about their appearance or style but about how they behave and treat you. Plus, during those early dates, people tend to be on their best behavior, rarely showing any negative sides.
“As a matchmaker and dating coach, I tell singles that the real person doesn’t usually reveal themselves until about three months in,” says Susan Trombetti, CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking. “That’s why many relationships either flourish or fall apart after that period.”
Around the three-month mark, you might start noticing that your partner isn’t a great listener or lacks generosity and compassion—traits that can give you the “ick.” Since everyone’s idea of what’s unattractive differs, Trombetti advises evaluating whether these flaws are dealbreakers or if your partner is willing to work on them, especially since some behaviors can seriously challenge a relationship’s longevity.
“Whenever you spot a red flag, ask yourself if it’s deeply rooted in their personality or just a bad habit—and whether they’re open to change,” she says. “These small personality quirks can lead to a breakup depending on how severe they are.”
Keep reading for some of the most common unattractive traits experts say partners may exhibit—and how these traits might affect your relationship.
Signs Your Partner Might Have Unattractive Qualities
1.When Communication Fails
Sometimes, poor communication is obvious from the start, but often it becomes noticeable only over time. “If on a date they’re frequently on their phone or not truly paying attention to you, that’s a red flag,” says Trombetti, as it shows a lack of engagement and listening.
As the relationship progresses, poor communication can manifest as recurring arguments, difficulty resolving conflicts, or feeling unheard and unacknowledged. “It’s tough to deal with poor communication in a relationship,” she explains, though it’s often something that can be improved. “People who struggle with communication can learn new skills, but it requires genuine effort.”
2.A Negative Attitude
It’s normal for anyone to have an off day where they complain a bit, but being around a partner who constantly sees the glass as half-empty can be draining.
“Negative people are hard to be around,” says Trombetti. “They rarely find joy or excitement in anything and tend to focus on the downside of every situation.” They may even spoil special moments like birthdays or weddings by making everything about their own gloom.
Building a relationship with someone like this can be challenging, as they often lack enthusiasm or hope when discussing the future. While some negative individuals might improve with changes like a new job or environment, it’s important to consider whether you want a partner who can offer positivity and support in the long run.
3.Dealing with a Selfish Partner
On a first date, selfishness might show up as someone who dominates the conversation or never asks about you. As the relationship progresses, you may find they take a long time to respond to messages, consistently put their own needs ahead of yours, or “forget” to pitch in with shared responsibilities.
This behavior can leave you feeling lonely, even when you’re in a relationship. “While a selfish person can work on becoming less self-centered, this trait is often deeply rooted,” says Trombetti. “Red flags are usually there for a reason.”
4.When Jokes Become Jabs
Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, explains that many find sarcasm unattractive because it often signals difficulty in expressing genuine emotions.
Sarcasm can quickly become draining, making it hard to have meaningful conversations or resolve conflicts effectively. “People crave deep, honest connections, so when someone consistently resorts to sarcasm during tough moments, it’s usually a red flag,” she tells Bustle.
While sarcasm is often seen as humor, it can also serve as a thinly veiled form of rudeness, waiting to surface.
5.When Everything Is a Competition
According to Roos, a partner who constantly tries to one-up you—or anyone else—can come across as unattractive. “We’ve all met those people who boost themselves by putting others down,” she explains. “This behavior often points to low self-esteem, and truly loving someone else starts with loving yourself first.”
6.The Impact of Jealousy on Love
While some people thrive on the drama jealousy brings, many find it deeply unattractive. “Jealousy can feel suffocating because it often turns into control,” says Trombetti. “It’s difficult to be your true self when the green-eyed monster is always lurking—whether it’s jealousy about your career, finances, or anyone you talk to. That kind of behavior is overwhelming. My advice? Walk away from it.”
7.The Problem with Low Drive
A lack of ambition can be a red flag, according to Trombetti. It might show up early—like on a first date when they struggle to talk about their job or future goals—and often becomes clearer over time. How much it bothers you really depends on what you’re looking for.
If you’re comfortable with a partner who isn’t a go-getter, that’s perfectly okay. But for many, a lack of goals, dreams, or vision can be a major turn-off. If you have a clear five-year plan, chances are you’ll want someone who shares that drive and direction.
