A wise soul once claimed, “Sex is like pizza: even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty damn good.” Clearly, that philosopher had the luxury of mostly decent sex, because—let’s be real—sex can be bad. And not just “Domino’s at 2 a.m.” bad, where it’s kinda gross but still edible. I’m talking full-on disaster: the kind of encounter that makes you roll over in regret, sprint to the shower, and seriously rethink your life choices.
I’ve had sex so dreadful, I entered what I now call “The Dark Days”—a self-imposed dry spell where I ditched intimacy in favor of more soothing activities, like knitting. Yes, it was that bad. Knitting became the more pleasurable option.
Now, I probably don’t need to explain to your weary, sexually-frustrated soul what bad sex looks like—you’ve got the recurring nightmares as evidence. But here’s the thing: in an attempt to cope with the emotional whiplash of awkward, uncomfortable, or downright disappointing experiences, we sometimes trick ourselves into believing it wasn’t that terrible. So how can you tell when the sex was truly awful? Your overworked vibrator might already be dropping hints, but allow me to spell it out a little more clearly.
1.You’re More Into the Ceiling Than the Sex
You’ve been lying there for nearly ten minutes, and you mentally checked out halfway through. Now you’re just staring at the ceiling, listening to the clock tick, silently counting the seconds until this enthusiastic amateur stops poking around your private parts like it’s a game of Operation.
Sorry, babe—nothing you’re doing is working, and honestly? I’d rather be watching TV right now.
2. You Always Prefer Masturbation To Having Sex With Your Partner
No one knows your body better than you do—and that will always be true. But if you find yourself masturbating more than ever because your sex life is falling short, then something’s off. While self-pleasure is totally normal (and healthy) in a relationship, it shouldn’t be your only source of satisfaction.
Bottom line? That so-called sex expert might’ve done better quoting Forrest Gump: “Sex is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you’re going to get.” And honestly, that’s pretty spot-on. Sometimes sex is mind-blowing, toe-curling, and borderline spiritual—you might even think you glimpsed Narnia. Other times, it’s just awkward, uncomfortable, or straight-up boring.
If you’re not feeling it, don’t settle. Your time and body deserve better. The right person—the one who truly gets you and your needs—is out there. And that’s the one who’s actually worth sharing that intimacy with.
3.They Tried Something New—Without Your Permission
Everyone has their own preferences, and some fantasies can be a little wilder than others. Exploring your kinky side and trying new things is completely normal and healthy. But when your partner suddenly pulls out handcuffs and starts calling you “master” without any prior discussion or consent, it can quickly turn into an awkward—or even uncomfortable—experience if you weren’t prepared for it.
4.Feeling Uncomfortable Around That Person
Trust and comfort are the foundation of any relationship—especially when it comes to sex. Intimacy requires vulnerability, and if you don’t feel you can trust your partner, it’s unlikely you’ll fully enjoy the experience. On top of that, sex can often be awkward, and if you don’t feel safe expressing what you like and don’t like, there’s little chance things will improve.
5.When Sex Feels Emotionally Empty
On the flip side, maybe your partner treats you like you’re made of glass—too delicate to handle. If that’s the case, it’s time to set the record straight. In reality, to get any real stimulation, you need some sensation. You’re not going to break, and honestly, you might even enjoy a little roughness every now and then.
6.When Sex Feels One-Sided
This is the worst. From my experience, this alone is reason enough to never see that person again. If your partner has their big moment, then just rolls over and falls asleep without helping you finish, they deserve to be sent straight to sex prison and put on probation. There’s nothing more frustrating than someone who only cares about their own pleasure and completely ignores yours—especially since relationships are supposed to be about give and take. Chances are, if they’re this self-centered in bed, they’re probably pretty self-absorbed in other parts of life too—and you definitely don’t need that.
7.When Sex Includes Real Communication
This ties into number five but can actually be even worse. You’ve completely checked out of enjoying the moment, and you’re so indifferent that you start chatting with your partner about whether you’ve run out of milk—or maybe you’re telling them about how your new puppy pooped in your shoe this morning.
8.Feeling Sleepy Mid-Intimacy
This might sound a little ridiculous, but trust me—it can happen. If you’re not really turned on and it’s been a long, tiring day, sex can feel as exciting as watching paint dry, and before you know it, you might find yourself dozing off right in the middle of it. Sex is supposed to ignite us, boost our energy, and flood us with feel-good endorphins—but if you’re just not feeling it, none of that magic happens. Instead, you might end up catching some unexpected Z’s.
